My spirituality

Whilst I’ve been working on The God Metaphor, a text which originally was meant to have very little to do with religion, but the imagery just seemed to crop up out of the ether, I have found myself looking at my own beliefs. Now, they were, and probably still are, very simply; like those of a child simplifying theological queries he cannot understand.

I believe in nothing: not in God, nor Allah, nor Tarot, not in family or society or even fucking Beatles. Since I was the child sitting in an assembly hall considering how idiotic my peers muttering the Lord’s Prayer were, I haven’t found anything to honestly believe in. Since then, I have preferred to focus on texts which offer some security, that prove to me in basic logic, in primary school thought, that God is either dead or could never existed at all. Of course, I am not an idiot, I know that that is a fact, but I don’t feel as though it is something necessary of belief.

What I, somehow, managed to work out a few weeks ago, whilst delirious with exhaustion but determined to finish the chapter, was that I want to believe in God. Whether this is simple atheism muttering to me that, in order to believe in such a thing, one must be an idiot and idiots are tortured by their own thoughts less, therefore I would be happier; or the remnants of history claiming that all those who came before could not possibly have been wrong, could not have laboured under delusions given to them by wealthy paedophiles and haters of beauty, hidden beneath robes they had not earned and draped in finery they did not deserve.

If I could take away the knowledge that I am nothing when compared to the world, as the world is nothing compared to the galaxy, then I would. Honest self-obsession could reign and I could be content in the knowledge that I am above all others, that the pig in the field has nothing in common with me, that the monkey in distant jungles is not so close to my own design that I could learn to love it.

I want to believe in God, in Tarot, in spirituality. I want to be a gullible fool, to think that my actions are not my own, to surrender to some all-knowing presence. I want Orwell to be right, I want Slavery to be Freedom, I want to bear no responsibility, I want to be a cog in some unimaginable machine, a line in some unknowable design.

But, whilst I may at times be guilty of irrationality or even simplicity, I am not idiot enough to believe in anything beyond the truth. Cards cannot tell me the future, there is no stolen deity above commanding my movements; there is no design for any of us. We are all carbon with delusions of grandeur, with a delirious hallucination known as personality, and, though I might hate to steal such a lyric, we are all Dust in the Wind. Nothing more, nothing less.

And what rights have we to demand that we are more?

None, of course, excepting sheer, unconquerable narcissism.

3 thoughts on “My spirituality

  1. So what do you think is the point of this existence if all it is worth is a hand full of dust at the end of it? Personally I am not a “god” person but I do know I have more value tham that 🙂

    1. Is there a point to this existence? What right do we have, biologically complex and emotionally simple creatures that we are, to believe that we have more value than, say, a pig in his mud? I’m not saying we shouldn’t eat the things, but they’re made of the same parts, the only real difference is in the brain, and, even then, if we could give a farm animal enough intelligence, or self-awareness at the least, to have an existential crisis along the lines of ‘Why exactly am I alive?’, wouldn’t it search for something besides to be eaten as a hungover students morning pick me up? Wouldn’t it refuse to believe that it was born to breed and then be stuffed for a fat, white, middle class family, with an apple in its mouth?
      I’m not even saying that this lack of any all-encompassing purpose in our lives is a bad thing, seeing as it opens up an entire universe of ‘could be’s and maybes’ rather than the dull linearity offered by singular purpose, but it’d be nice not to have to think about anything like that and instead, focus that unidentifiable panic on the latest deal in the local supermarket. I’m not even sure it’s about being a ‘God person’ anymore, it’s more about personal honesty and realising that there are no answers to these quesions which keep us awake at night and, if there were, can we be so narcissistic as to believe that we are the ones to discover the answers, when most of my generation couldn’t find a blaringly obvious pub without Google Maps directing them towards it?
      But, then again, what do I know? I’m a hypocrite when it comes to matters like this but, if there is some purpose to life, then I’ll deny any authority that placed such a purpose there, because no one has the right to do such a thing except for me, except for us!
      As Andrew Ryan would say: No Gods, no Kings, only Men.

      1. I agree no one ‘decided’ our value – we can only decide for our self. However I would argue that you do not know the pigs perspective about his life or his percieved value of it. Nor should it be of concern to you. You concern is being a human and what that means to you. It is in you own awareness of your existense and your raised sensitivity to it that you will come to answer the big questions because you will no longer be expecting someone else to answer them for you when actually no one can except you. . asking your brain to answer that questions is like asking you car to answer them – it is the physical mechanics of you body. However your body including the brain as a whole is a physical manifestation and there for you constant reminder and interpreter of the place from which ALL particles are manifest. Recommend you watch ‘what the bleep do we know? ‘ a science movie that explains not only particle behaviour but also our bodies physical behaviour all in lay terms (as much as possible) movie is on youtube.
        Ultimately only you can define your value of your life experience. And it stands to reason the higher you value your self to you the better your life experience is going to be.
        Narcissism is the loving not of internal value of self but the loving of external value. The more extreme the narcissism the more separated from the internal experience.
        Good luck – I hope you realise your value – because you worth it 🙂 lol

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