Advice On Surviving An English Winter

So, as the weather looks like it’ll be turning a little chillier this week, with several centimetres of snow forecast for most areas of the country, I thought I’d give out a few of my helpful tips to surviving the harsh English environment, well known for being one of the most unforgiving areas in the world for the unprepared. So far, we’ve had a little cold weather, but the Sun Goddess has entered into an unholy covenant with Lord Winter to lure us into a false sense of security before His icy fingers snap.

With that in mind; here are my three best tips to surviving in the blistering snow flurries of England, particularly Northern England:

1. Don’t forget to wear as little as possible! – Beat the cold at its own game! Wearing nothing but boxer shorts and, if you’re unwell or elderly, a t-shirt, shows the universe just how tough you are and the cold will chicken out at the sight of such a badass as yourself walking, barefoot, down the road.

2. Move! – If you think it’s too bitterly cold, move to a nice tourist location; I hear that Ferguson is nice this time of year.

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That’s all actually hailstone – otherwise known as THE JUDGEMENT OF LORD WINTER, ALL HAIL LORD WINTER! MAY HIS ICY FINGERS FREEZE YOU AND YOURS! AMEN!

3. Sacrifice your landlord, local MP or, failing that, whoever pays the heating bill, to Lord Winter – Winter’s only cold because he’s lonely, it’s obvious, he just needs a bit of love and affection, so grab your favourite person in the whole wide world, and convince them to have a nap in a frosty forest clearing, on a raised stone plinth, surrounded by their closest friends and family in full-length druidic robes and holding wickedly curved sacrificial knives; it’s obvious!

4. Or, if you’re a filthy Sun Worshipper, sacrifice your nearest homosexual! – It’s a well-known fact that all gay people look absolutely fantastic in the summer; if you want the summer to come all the quicker, then you just need to remind the Sun Goddess of how fantastic they look!

So, there you have it – the four best ways to survive the indefatigable English weather; other than that, just take the inevitable UKIP approach and blame it on the immigrants bringing their weather over with them.

Warning; both the Sun Goddess and Lord Winter may or may not be benevolent and so there is no guarantee that any of the above advice will work – except the moving thing, that’ll definitely work.

Nah, it’ll definitely work.

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