After spending years proclaiming that the oncoming asteroid, designated 2004 BL86 by some – and ‘The Great Calamity’ by long-haired, wild-eyed people all across the world – would hit the planet Earth and completely destroy all intelligent life as we know it, save perhaps Cockroaches, and yet leaving Lawyers and fans of Black Veil Brides completely untouched, have been proven wrong today as the asteroid bypasses Earth by such a wide margin; which leaves everyone who ever thought that it might connect generally looking like a bit of a tit.
The general reaction of the Human race seems to have been ‘meh’, but there is certainly a deep resentment as more and more people are clearly thinking ‘oh, bloody hell, WE’RE STILL ALIVE!’ in one of the most depressing universal statements to ever grace Human consciousness.
Already dubbed the ‘Blue Ball Event’, 2004 BL86 joins the ever growing list of let-downs, including the absence of a Zombie Apocalypse, the entirety of International and National politics and the recordings of the Million Dollar Quartet, which have enabled the Human race to stagger on in its particularly bland way.
One young man from Liverpool seemed particularly disappointed as his two-room supply of canned foods, all of which have had to labels removed, and the baseball bat he keeps beside his bed are now left unused as society has not degraded into something more barbaric than that which it has already become.
‘Ie got all theese arrm pads and spikes and things,’ he said, looking sadly at the half-built motorbike on his front lawn, ‘and now I’ll jus’ luk like a tool if I wear ‘em in a functioning society – bloody lying doomsayers!’
The asteroid was unable for comment, no doubt due to its pathetic showing at the Human Extinction Event 2015.